who are you?

When we are trying to “find” ourselves, we branch out in every which way. I remember when I was going through my own mini identity crisis (heavy winged eyeliner, dyed money pieces, forcing myself to listen to AC/DC) I tried to fit myself into different friendgroups. I tried to force myself into places and make it work, which was the equivalent of trying to pull a door that says “push”. Stupid analogy, but you get the idea. 

It got to the point where I felt so disoriented from the world around me. Kids would be moshing at local teen rock bands looking like they were having the ultimate euphoria, and I was just trying to plug my nose and stop smelling sweat without people noticing. I wanted to fit in so badly, but in the end, I came to terms that even though AC/DC is an iconic band(don’t get me wrong) I hated listening to more 15 minutes.

But, having that experience didn’t leave me with nothing. I made one friend through who I am still close with, and a new appreciation for The Doors, a band I can actually listen to! 

I was a little embarrassed I couldn’t properly fit into that crowd. And, as time went on, I tried to blend into other groups, and again, would fail. I wanted to assimilate so badly, I realized that I was trying to give up parts of myself to sacrifice for friendship(a big no-no, do NOT recommend)

But instead of viewing it as a failure, I tried to view it as something new I could learn from. I could say: Hey, I tried that, and it was not for me.  

I think everyone needs phases like this. First, it gives you something to look back on in your photos and thank the heavens you don’t look like that anymore. And second, it gives you a deeper relationship to yourself, and maybe one step closer to figuring out who you are. And that is always more fun than trying to force a friend.